No one rushes to be a carer, usually most people plan to care for loved ones when they are much older, but life is not often like this. Life is complex, unexpected and has its ups and downs.

You did not expect this day to happen, but here it is. The person close to you has suddenly become unwell, it could be a close relative, a lonely neighbour or a dear friend. It’s different for everyone depend on the relationship, but no matter what the definition is going to be the same. You have become a carer.

What next? What will you do?

There is no hard and fast guide, a lot depends on your resources, support or connections. Caring for someone even depends on knowledge and information, but most of all caring depends on the care given. You know you will probably have to do this, there still is a choice, but are you prepared to live with the consequences?

No one should be forced into the caring role, no one should be that reluctant carer, but that day has arrived. Depending on that relation, you want to be there for someone, you feel you have to try. It might be out of duty, it might be out of love or sympathy. You want to care and you have made that decision.

You are going to care…..

Yet you are not fully aware what you have prepared yourself for. Until you and the person you care for know what the diagonsis is. You are hoping and praying that it is nothing too serious. You have a lot on the line. You do not want that person to suffer their quality of life. You also have plans, dreams and ambitions. All this has been sudden and you just do not feel prepared. You feel anxious on what the future brings, but you want to be there. You want to be there for that special person. It is all up to you because there might not be anyone else around to step in.

Then it suddenly happens.

You are told that diagnosis by a health professional. It does not sink in right away, for some the diagnosis brings relief. Some people know what they must tackle and this is all information. For other people the diagnosis could being heart felt grief and sadness. The diagnosis of the medical illness could be life threatening. It could be a demanding role, but you have already made your decision. You are going to be there, you are going to stay with the ‘cared for’ until as far as you can go.

It is just you still are not fully aware. No one has told you that you are now defined a carer. You think it might be a paid care worker, or a professional carer. You think that you are not doing anything special. You might be the husband, wife, daughter or son. You are just doing what is expected of a close relation, but it is hard.

It is so difficult….

You have to advocate and chase up information for your loved one. You have to cook and clean, check and double check that the ‘cared for’ health is not deteoriating. It is like a juggling act, you are careful not to upset the person you are caring for. They are emotionally struggling with how their life has turned out. They maybe upset that they have to rely on you, then again they cherish that you are standing by and ‘caring’ for them. Yet day by day, month afer month and onto the years, it could get harder. It takes around 2 years before many know they are a carer, but should it take that long?

Should you step back and focus on your own health and wellbeing needs?

Other people are telling you that you need a break, others say you need to know more about what you are caring for. Some people say you should join a carers group. Whatever others say, you being to feel guilty. Is it that bad to focus on your own needs once in a while?

No it is not bad to take time to focus on you.

We cannot care for others if we neglect our own health and wellbeing needs. There is stigma in the caring role, we can all agree on this. Many do not want to be defined as a carer, but that is ok. What is more important is that we get the help and support we need to provide the best care possible. It is not always about caring for others, it is also about caring for ourselves.

If you have found out that you are to do that caring role, ask health and social care services what support you can get as a carer.

Carers need that support as well.

Thank you for reading.